I recently found a bag behind my apartment.

In it:

1. One copy of the Gotham Writer's Workshop (GWW) catalogue, folded.
2. One copy of FOLK, a catalogue of "An exhibition of photographs, artifacts, film and music recordings from the Alan Lomax Archive."
3. One plaster sculpture showing a man deeply pondering a book while another man looks over his shoulder. The signature on the base reads, "(TZFAT) ZAFED June '88”
4. One bottle of Fiji water, half full (empty?).
5. One hammer and peg toy. When I removed the toy from its beer-tarnished box, I found a piece of white (cheddar?) cheese appended to the plastic. Failure to discover this cheese would have led to a terrible, unidentified smell within three days, possibly leading to the destruction of the toy or the abandoning of the apartment wherein the toy is currently lodged.
6. One wine list from an Afghani Restaurant.
7. An advertisement for $250 dollar headshots. Five of the phone number tags have been removed. It was posted in a place called "Holiday Bar," which, I can tell you, is no holiday.
8. A sign advertising PAINTING for 85.00 per room. No phone number tickets have been removed.
9. A badly soiled Heineken coaster.
10. A menu from Joe’s Pub with the inside page forcibly removed.
11. Purple wrapping paper filled with sawdust, mustard, and other unmentionables.
12. A small card that says, “DON’T LOSE ME.”
13. The inside page from a menu from Joe’s Pub.
14. A sign that says CPR KIT IS AVALABLE UNDER THE COUNTER. (My spelling is accurate).
15. One roll of toilet paper. Thankfully, it has not been soiled.
16. Two torn tickets to a musical performance by Hazel Dickens / Bonny Billy & Captain Anomoanon
17. A card that says HOOKAH: APPLE, STRAWBERRY, DOUBLE APPLE, MANGO, SWEET MELON, APRICOT, CHERRY, MINT, JESSAMINE, PEACH, COCONUT

Conclusions and Questions for Further Inquiry

The Afghani restaurant seems to have been hit hardest during this night of small-time pillaging. Does this reveal a subconscious bias or the damaging effects of Turkish coffee and hookah smoke?

Given the location and condition of the bar wherein the pillagers found the advertisement for headshots, it can be concluded that the state of modeling in NYC is in rough shape. At what point in the evening does one of the toothless, speech slurring, hookering inhabitants of Holiday Bar look up from his/her drink and decide that it’s a good time to secure a headshot at 250 bucks a pop?

And at what point does this same inhabitant decide that he/she would pay 250 dollars for a headshot rather than 85 dollars to have a room painted? In fact, for the price of one headshot, said inhabitant could paint almost three rooms in his/her house. Considering that most apartments in New York City contain only a small bedroom and a small living room / kitchen (if that), the following conclusion can be reached: New York City is filled with delusional people whose priorities need serious adjustment.

Speaking of which, the petty thieves responsible for this bag of shit should be ashamed of themselves.